I have an etiquette question for all of you. An acquaintance of mine recently received a baby shower invitation for a friend, complete with link to a registry. Her qualms with this? The pregnant friend had a baby shower three years ago for her first child.
She and I were both under the impression that a person should only have a baby shower for their first child. Of course, there are exceptions, such as:
- The second child is being born 10 years after the first
- The woman is pregnant with twins and suddenly needs two of everything
Now, we came up with a few other exceptions, and of course, a shower that was strictly “no gifts” or “gifts in the form of donations to charity (perhaps even a baby related charity)” would always be acceptable. I went to a shower where the “gift” request was that everyone bring their favorite easy, family-friendly recipe, which was also a lot of fun and turned into a huge recipe exchange (“Oh, that looks good! And your kids eat it? Let me copy that down.”).
There’s nothing wrong with throwing a party to celebrate a baby on the way. But a second shower, with a second request for gifts seems a bit much. I know a lot of women give away their baby items after their child no longer uses them, but is this an excuse to hold a second shower and ask for gifts? Especially when you can get so much free baby stuff.
What do you think? It’s not that I’m stingy, and I often buy gifts for good friends when babies arrive, even if it is a second or third child. But the idea of holding a second shower a few years after the first (and inviting the same people) rubs me the wrong way.
Megan is a 30-something government employee in the Washington, DC area. She got interested in Personal Finance when she got out of college and realized that her paycheck wasn’t going to go as far as she had hoped. Since starting this blog, she has managed to buy a house and make a solid start on her retirement goals, and hopes to help others do the same. Here is her story:
In 2007, I was a gainfully employed 20-something with no debt but not a lot of knowledge about personal finance. It was a co-worker’s comment about Roth IRAs that sent me to the internet, searching for information. It was then that I realized that I really didn’t know a whole lot about personal finance and that my current financial situation was due a lot to inherent frugal tendencies, generous family members, a fear of debt, and good luck. While that was working for me, clearly I needed a better plan.
While I had no debt, I was also pretty much living paycheck to paycheck and not worrying about going over budget (I say this as if I had a real budget) because I had an emergency fund set aside to cover any overages.
Except that’s not what an emergency fund is for.
So I did a lot of research, read a lot of blogs, and decided that I needed a plan. I needed to budget. I needed to know what I was spending my money on. I needed to prepare for the future.
I decided to create a blog not only to make myself accountable to others but also to share the knowledge that I gained along the way. I’ve learned so much from my fellow bloggers, and I hope that my readers can find something useful in what I have to share as well.
I just hate the whole “obliged gift” thing… I would hate for friends not to attend a celebration of mine just because a gift was outside what they could afford at the moment. I’m an avid gift-giver myself, to the point of sometimes giving gifts “just because” or to cheer someone up, so it’s not that I’m stingy either, but if I want to purchase a gift for someone, I’ll do it because I want to rather than because it’s expected. I think having registry “advertisements” on invitations is tacky anyway… people will inquire if they are so inclined and other people will buy you gifts from the heart (or make them – I’m in the middle of knitting a baby blanket at the mo). No one has the right to tell you what gifts you SHOULD buy them, it defeats the whole spirit of generosity.
I have to admit that I’m struggling with this right now. I have a child already, and she’s almost six. When I had her, I was a single parent. My husband’s mother is *so excited* that we’re trying to get pregnant again–and wants to give me a baby shower when it happens. On one hand, I desperately want to say yes, because it’s clear that it would mean a lot to her (and her side of the family) to be able to do this, and because I’d really like to–I don’t know, share it with them, I guess. (The first go-round was not so great, even though the shower itself was lovely.) On the other hand, I feel like I should say no, since inevitably some of the same friends and people from my side of the family will be invited, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to do it all again.
So far, I have no idea what I’m going to do–if you have suggestions, please feel free to make them, because I’m really torn.
I almost put this in the post and then didn’t. In my mind, one of the exceptions is when there is a new father in the picture. The shower might be just about the pregnant mom, but it’s also a bit about the dad and his family and friends too, and wanting to celebrate with them is a very valid reason to have another shower.
One option is to perhaps enclose a note to the people who were at your last shower thanking them for supporting you and your daughter, and that you would love for them to come celebrate the new arrival, but that no gifts are expected and that you would be delighted if they could attend. Something along those lines.
I am not a fan of gift registries or showers where the focus is on the gifts. My husband and I didn’t register when we had our son earlier this year, nor when we got married (granted, we eloped in order to avoid all of the wedding hoopla). Parties to celebrate the new parents and baby are a great idea, but the focus on gifts and especially the registry has really turned me off to the whole thing. I love giving gifts, and I always give something when a family has a new baby. But lately I’ve started leaning towards charitable contributions, food, and general helping out, rather than material things.
I guess where I live is very different. A coworker of mine just had a baby shower here at work and it’s her 3rd child. It was a surprise thrown by a few coworkers in our group. I also attended showers for friends thrown by mutual friends and it wasn’t their first child. In my circle of friends, they’ve had showers for each of the babies.
I have no problem with them having the showers. I can choose to attend or not attend and bring a gift or not. Usually if it’s someone I’m not really that close to, I actually don’t attend.
Almost always a no-go on the second shower for me, unless there are exceptional circumstances. This is coming from someone who had neither a wedding/bridal shower or a baby shower, though…
I do not agree with the second baby shower within the 3 yrs mark of the first…Wondering how much different this list is from the first baby shower…Maybe she is looking to upgrade to the latest fashions with the help of her friends…
To me a baby shower is a celebration of the baby, not the parents. Especially in families where finances may be tight (but then why are they having children?) the key element is to make sure the baby has what he/she needs. Instead of buying something there are other ways to show you care, volunteer to help with the shower or clean up afterwards. One very personal suggestion is to mke up a coupon book with personal support offerings, like babysitting, or a back massage, or a shoulder to cry on, dusting, or washing the dishes…etc. Costs nothing and far more valuable than a baby bottle or diapers.
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Maybe if the baby was another gender. Then it would be nice to give her a few things gender-specific. Like some dresses for a baby girl. Most baby clothes are basically unisex, though.
I’d check out what they were registering for. Really fancy baby equipment, no thanks. If it was some of the normal stuff, I might assume they’d given it away and give them something small.
Meredith has the best idea, I think. Babysitting, either for a date night or for a break for mom is a real gift. Or offers to make a meal after the baby is born. Or offering to watch the 3-year-old while mom and dad are getting the baby home from the hospital, etc. A few hours respite might be very useful when dad goes back to work!
Mrs. Micah, I think that’s why my acquaintance was so frustrated – it is her friend’s second boy, and the items registered for were all the super expensive things. I agree that perhaps she got rid of some of the other stuff, but it seems a bit rude to ask people to buy the same gifts again.
I do think that if it had been an item specific shower, maybe it wouldn’t have seemed so greedy. Such as “Everyone bring your favorite children’s book” or something along those lines.
To reply a bit to everyone, I don’t think that it was the fact there is a second shower that bothered me, but more the way it was done, with the pricey registry.
If someone is going to have a celebration for a second, third, etc. child, they should have a celebration called a “baby sprinkle”. The idea is to sprinkle the baby with gifts instead of showering them with gifts.
Since the parents already have a lot of baby stuff from the first child, ask the guests to bring only items that have to be re-bought, such as baby food, diapers, bath time stuff, etc.
One of the most popular Baby Sprinkle themes is the diaper party. Basically, all the guests bring diapers and wipes, since you can never have enough of those. And some people assign guests to bring diapers for certain age groups. By doing this, the parents will have newborn – toddler size diapers.
The idea of a baby sprinkle is not as popular as the traditional baby shower, but more and more people are using it every year. It’s a great way to celebrate the birth of a child without having to ask your friends and families to buy you another expensive gift.
In my opinion, all new babies should be celebrated in some way.
West, that is a term I’ve never heard before, but I really like that idea! And I agree that all new babies should be celebrated, but in my opinion, that doesn’t automatically mean expensive gifts. So a baby sprinkle seems like a great way to celebrate and help out the family without feeling obligated to spend a large sum of money.
I had a shower with my 4th. I didn’t have one for the first 3, so no qualms there. Why with #4? She was my first girl. And I don’t understand the previous poster who said most things are unisex. Car seat, stroller, etc – usually. Clothes – almost never. I’ve also had friends that had a “surprise” pregnancy after they thought they were done (and therefore gave *everything* away).
I find that many friends give gifts whether it’s my 1st or my 5th – with or without the party. If you don’t want to spend the money, don’t. If they get mad because you didn’t help them get those expensive gifts, they weren’t much of a friend in the first place.